Sex Talk Devolves Into Dad Rambling About Bo Jackson

NAPERVILLE, IL—Veering from the intended subject matter just seconds into their conversation, local father Andrew Parker’s effort to sit his son down for a sex talk quickly devolved into a rambling diatribe about all-star two-sport athlete Bo Jackson, sources confirmed Thursday. “Well, Caleb, sometimes two people love each other very much, just like Bo Jackson loved baseball and football—and he had the talent, not to mention the drive, to dominate in both, because the man was a once-in-a-century physical freak,” Parker told his 11-year-old son during their three-minute-long chat, making a brief, unclarified reference to “intimate feelings” before running down Jackson’s rushing statistics during his Heisman Trophy–winning season at Auburn University. “We’re talking about a guy who could swat aside 230-pound linebackers like they were gnats, and then step up to the plate and face down Nolan Ryan. I mean, he was hitting for average, hitting for power, and good fucking luck throwing him out on the base paths when he had the jump on you! He was a phenom, and it still makes me sick to think about what he could have accomplished if he hadn’t hurt his hip. That’s why it’s important to be careful with your health, in lots of different ways. Anyway, I should go see if Mom needs help with dinner.” Parker reportedly concluded the talk by telling his son he was always there for him if he had any other questions about Bo Jackson.